How do I get my teenager to open up to me?
You get a teenager to open up by making it safe and low-pressure to talk, not by asking more questions. On Parents & Teens Rising, teen and parent coach Jasmyne Chandler explains that pulling away peaks around age 13 and is normal, and that forcing conversations usually pushes teens further into their rooms. Her five strategies are about changing how you respond, so your teen decides to come to you.
Why your teen went quiet in the first place
Before the strategies, Jasmyne wants parents to understand what's driving the silence. Some of it is developmental. As teenagers grow they naturally want more control over their own lives, and part of that is separating from you. She calls 13 the peak of this separation and individuation phase.
Some of it is capacity. Teens are often running on empty after school, activities and social pressure, and they simply don't have the bandwidth for a debrief the moment they walk in.
And some of it is learned. If past conversations turned into criticism or a long lecture, or if reactions included overreacting, harsh consequences, guilt or promises that didn't get followed through on, your teen has learned that staying quiet is the safer choice. That last one is the part you can change fastest, and it's where most of the five strategies point.
"Teens are often running on empty and just don't have a lot of extra bandwidth to engage."
Respect their space, then own your past reactions
Strategy one is respecting space without disappearing. Instead of chasing the conversation, say something like "I'm here when you need me" and then actually leave it there. Jasmyne says this shows your teen you trust them, and taking the pressure off makes it far easier for them to come to you on their own terms.
Strategy two is rebuilding trust by owning your reactions. If you've blown up, lectured or over-punished in the past, name it. Her suggested language is simple: "I realize I reacted too strongly before and I'm working on handling things differently." This isn't about groveling. It's modeling. As she puts it, we can't expect teenagers to own their mistakes if we aren't showing them the way.
These two together reset the terms. Your teen learns that talking to you won't cost them their autonomy or trigger a reaction they have to manage.
"I realize I reacted too strongly before and I'm working on handling things differently."
Listen without fixing
Strategy three is the one most parents get wrong. When a teen finally shares something hard, the instinct is to solve it. Jasmyne's own kids have told her what they actually want: validation and someone to commiserate with, not a plan.
Her rule for a heightened moment is to listen first and say something like "wow, that sounds really hard." Advice can come later, once your teen is regulated and, ideally, once they ask for it. If you jump to fixing, they hear that their feelings were a problem to be managed, and next time they won't bring the problem to you at all.
The host explains that this doesn't mean you never give guidance. It means guidance is the second conversation, not the first.
"If my kid is in a heightened moment, the first thing I need to do is just listen and say, wow, that sounds really hard."
Build small connections and drop the control battles
Strategy four is building connection in everyday moments. Big sit-down talks are intimidating. Small, repeated moments aren't: a drive, a shared show, cooking together, a question about a game they're into. The catch, Jasmyne says, is that it has to be genuine interest. Teens can tell the difference between a parent asking about their favorite show to check a box and a parent who's actually curious.
Strategy five is choosing collaboration over control. She draws the line between discipline, which teaches, and punishment, which inflicts pain. Punishment teaches kids to avoid getting caught, which is the opposite of opening up. Collaboration means involving your teen in setting expectations and consequences so they have a stake in the outcome.
Put together, the five strategies lower the cost of talking to you. When it's safe, low-pressure and their choice, most teens start talking again.
"Teens can tell the difference between a parent asking about their favorite show to check a box and a parent who's actually curious."
What to remember
- Pulling away peaks around 13 and is normal; forcing conversations makes it worse.
- Say "I'm here when you need me" and mean it, then give them space.
- Own past overreactions out loud; it models the accountability you want from them.
- In a hard moment, validate first ("that sounds really hard") and save advice for later.
- Connect through small, genuinely curious everyday moments, and use collaborative discipline instead of punishment.
People also ask
Is it normal for a 13-year-old to stop talking to parents?
Yes. Jasmyne describes 13 as the peak of the separation and individuation phase, when teens naturally want more control over their lives. It's developmental, not a sign you've lost them.
Should I keep asking my teen questions if they won't answer?
No. Repeated questioning adds pressure. Jasmyne recommends stating that you're available, backing off, and building connection through low-stakes shared activities instead.
What should I say when my teen tells me something upsetting?
Listen and validate first. Her go-to is "wow, that sounds really hard." Hold the advice until they're calm and open to it.
Based on the Parents & Teens Rising episode 55, "Five Ways To Get Your Teen To Actually Open Up", released September 16, 2026, hosted by Jasmyne Chandler.
